“In Christ we are important, we are qualified, we are good.”

— Neil T. Anderson

Today’s guest post is from Carla Link. Carla and her husband, Joey have served with an international parenting ministry for over 20 years and Carla’s degree is in social work.

Joey and Carla have written a book that has just been published titled, “Why Can’t I Get My Kids to Behave?” It is available at amazon.com, Barnes & Noble and www.parentingmadepractical.com, where you can find out more about the parenting ministry of the Link’s.

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Jill recently shared they are going through a dark tunnel with their adopted son right now. As she can readily testify, when a member of the family is going through a difficult circumstance, everyone in the family goes through it with him.

If you are traveling a rough road right now – a tough time in your marriage, dealing with a divorce, financial strain, unemployment, long-term illness (you or a child), and so forth–it is hard to imagine anyone else can relate to the pain you are in. I have learned, however, your children can relate, for your pain becomes their pain. Even young children sense something is not right, and they will sometimes show this through inappropriate behavior.

It has been almost nine years since we were in a horrific car accident. Even though I was wearing a seat belt, I was thrown from the vehicle and suffered major injuries, including pain on a daily basis which I still deal with today. Within the context of our full-time ministry to families, many parents have come to us asking for help when dealing with children who suffer.

We have learned that the darker your path, the more people pay attention to your journey. Therefore, you have the opportunity to allow God’s glory to shine brightly through your painful circumstances. How do you do this, especially when it is your child who is suffering?

Here’s what we have learned on our journey:

 Define a new normal – Don’t live in a state of limbo. Your lives may never be what they once were. It will look different, and that is okay. The new normal will become the identity of your family. Everyone will adjust if you do. One of our daughters has been chronically ill her entire life. Although we tried to find ways for our other children to retain “normalcy” in their lives, when she was going through a bad spell, the family revolved around her. My children are grown now, and their sense of compassion and mercy for those in pain is remarkable, showing what they chose to take away from growing up with our family’s ‘normalcy’ is positive, not negative.

Be a champion, not a victim –You (and your child) can choose to live your life as a champion or as a victim. The victim mentality always looks at what is lost, not at what is gained. Victims whine, complain, are angry, bitter and always depressed. Champions look at what they have, and are positive and grateful for little things. They focus on the victories in their life, not the failures. After the accident, people would often say they could not believe God would allow this to happen to us. We responded by saying, “Why not?” As Christians, we are promised in the Bible that we will go through trials and testing. Learn to be grateful for what you and your family have, instead of being in despair about what you don’t have. Your children will follow your lead.

Allow no timetable, no limits – Everyone in the family will need to heal from this journey of pain and suffering. The healing process will look different for each person in your family. Don’t limit any of them with your expectations of what this process should look like. Give them the freedom to heal on their own timetable. When a child is suffering physically, mentally, or emotionally, let him tell you what he needs.

Keep moving – If you let those who are suffering in your family, including yourself, lie around and do nothing when they are in pain, they will quickly become lethargic and depressed. Even if it is 3am in the morning, when my pain is bad I get up and do something. Friends and acquaintances are used to getting emails from me in the predawn hours. Keeping a book(s) nearby that can be read if he wakes up in pain in the middle of the night is a good idea. Also, give your suffering child the freedom to do what he can do, no matter how difficult the task is. Please don’t take away what shreds of independence he has left.

Grow a thankful heart – When I get down because of my limitations, I take out a journal and write down three things I am grateful for. I start a new list every month. I read through the entire list every time I add things to it, and by the time I am finished, I am at peace and have a smile in my heart. Taking time to be thankful  is the most therapeutic thing you can do when you are going through a tough time. When working with children going through a hard time, this is what many of them have told me was the most helpful to them.

Does God get the glory when the going gets tough in your home? If not, what can you do to change that?

(By the way, if you have a child with special needs, a great website to check out is bev@special-heart.com.)

“Count it all joy my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything.”

James 1:2-4 (NIV)

Dear Jill,

I read your post about seeing others through God’s eyes.  My question is “how?”  How do you see others through God’s eyes?

Margee

Dear Margee,

There are several steps to seeing others–especially people who are challenging to you– through God’s eyes.

First, you need to ask God to help you.  This is not something that comes to us naturally.  We need God’s perspective and it starts by asking Him to help us.

Second, remember that the other person is “in process.” He or she is broken, hurting in some way, and in the process of “being perfected” by God.  You may not see evidence of that, but it is truth based upon God’s word.

Third, learn what God says about those He has created and loves.  Several years ago I shared a post about what God says about you.  This list also could be titled “What God Says  About the Difficult People In Your Life.”  I used this same list to pray for my husband during the three months that he chose to separate. This kept truth at the forefront of my mind, especially when I naturally “wanted” to feed my anger.  By keeping truth in front of me, it helped me to resist the urge to be controlled by my anger.

Fourth, remember that God looks at us and doesn’t see our liabilities. Instead, He sees our possibilities.  When you look at the “difficult person” in your life, see the possibilities in them instead of the liabilities.

I hope those steps are helpful to you.  It’s not easy to see difficult people or difficult situations through God’s eyes, but doing so helps keep your heart from growing bitter in the midst of hard stuff.

Jill

What about you?  Have you been able to see a difficult person in your life through God’s eyes?  Would you offer any additional encouragement to Margee?

When talking about the challenging past year with a friend of mine, she asked me how I kept bitterness out of my heart when dealing with my husband’s depression and desert season as well as my son’s mental health challenges more recently.

I responded to her that I can’t say bitterness was completely out of my heart…there were definitely times where my heart drifted in that direction.  However, I do believe there was one key thing that helped me maintain a healthy perspective:

I asked God to help me see the person through His eyes.

When we face a difficult situation or are dealing with difficult people in our lives, it becomes very easy to see them through our eyes.  We see the hurt they cause us.  We see the wrong they’ve done to us. We see their actions through the lens of our own personal experience.

When we face a difficult situation or are dealing with difficult people in our lives and we seek to them through God’s eyes, we are able to see them as a hurting or lost person.  We see their woundedness or their confusion. We can sometimes see where they are being deceived. If we seek wholeheartedly, we can even see their possibilities instead of their liabilities.

Seeing the world and others through God’s perspective takes the focus off of us.  This keeps us from taking things personally. And when we don’t take things personally, we can be more objective, we can better stand in the gap in prayer for the other person, and we can see things as they are instead of seeing them as we are.

Are you facing a difficult situation?  Do you have a difficult person in your life?  Ask God to help you see them through His eyes.  Ask Him to help you see where their pain is coming from.  Take yourself out of the picture and see the situation or the person as they are instead of how they are hurting you.

There’s incredible freedom to be found in God’s perspective.  

What about you? Are you facing a difficult situation or a difficult person? Have you ever been able to see a situation or a person through God’s eyes?  Have you ever experienced the freedom to be found? 

I’m an internal processor.  That means I think about a lot of things that I never talk about. It’s how I’m wired and works well for me when I’m operating as an individual.  However, it proves to be a challenge in my marriage.

I will often notice something that my husband does and I’ll think,”Wow, that’s nice. Mark folded that load of laundry in the dryer.”  However, I’ll completely miss expressing appreciation to him.  I think it and forget to say it.

Sometimes he’s not around when I notice something.  Sometimes, I’m focused on something else and don’t stop and make the effort.  Regardless of my rationale for missing the opportunity to affirm, it happens and I’m not okay with it.

But I’m changing that.

I’m learning to let the affirming and appreciative thoughts in my head leak out of my mouth. I’m picking up my cell phone and texting a quick thank you when I think about something I appreciate about him or discover a task he’s done.

Too often positive words in marriage are thought, but not expressed.  Honestly, positive words aren’t even thought about often enough in most marriages.

What does your spouse do everyday that you haven’t thanked him or her for? What extra effort has he or she made that you need to thank him or her for? What affirming words have you thought, but not expressed.

Do. It. Now.  Your spouse needs to hear your positive words.

“The past should not be a place where we live, but something from which we learn.”

— Stormie Omartian

Today is our Third Thursday Blog Hop where you get to interact with other mom bloggers who are discussing the topic of the day: No More Perfect Days. 

As a mom, I like to have my ducks in a row. However, it seems that my ducks more often like to waddle in a different direction than I have planned for them!

What’s a mom to do when her plans fall through? 

After 28 years of mothering, I am finally learning how to better handle those moments.  I’ve also come to understand that those “imperfect” moments in my day happen far more often than I realize.

I used to react. Now I’m learning to respond. 

Reacting usually results in me being angry or yelling.  I try to control the circumstances so they better match my expectations. The Mommy Monster almost always appears.  Often an apology needs to be made in the end.

Responding usually results in me smiling, laughing, or just saying something like, “Of course…”  ”Of course, she filled her diaper within minutes of putting a fresh diaper on her,” “Of course, my son forgot his medicine and I need to run it to school,” “Of course, my husband forgot to stop by the store on the way home to pick up the gallon of milk I needed for dinner.”  When I respond, conflict is reduced, grace prevails, and an apology is simply not needed.

When I am able to respond, I realize that the moment I’m in is just as important as the moment I planned on that didn’t happen the way I thought it would!  I’m making memories either way…it will be a good memory, or one I wish I and my kids could forget.

When I’m able to respond, I can embrace “what is” instead of “what could have been.” I am also able to maximize an unexpected opportunity given to me.

What about you? How do you handle “imperfect” days?  If you’ve learned to respond rather than react, can you share a practical way you’ve been able to make that transition? 

Take some time to hop around to other Hearts at Home bloggers and see how they handle their imperfect days!

Yesterday and today I’m partnering with Focus on the Family to bring you two 30 minute radio programs of encouragement!

If you missed yesterday’s program, you can listen to part one HERE.  Today you can listen to part two of our discussion!

If you’re dropping by from the Focus on the Family website today, welcome!  So glad you’ve joined us!  We have a wonderful online community of moms (and some dads!) here on my blog and over on the Hearts at Home website.  You’ll find honest conversations here about the real stuff of life.

While you’re here you might want to:

• Subscribe to receive posts by email. 
• Hop over to the No More Perfect Moms website. You can sign up for the No More Perfect Moms FREE 31 day Email Challenge while you’re there!
• Sign up for the FREE Hearts at Home e-Newsletter!
• Check out some past posts and conversations by clicking on a category that interests you over on the right.
• Sign the Knock It Off Mom Pledge to stop judging yourself and others.
• Register for our Hearts at Home North Central Fall Conference for moms!

I’d love to hear what has been the best takeaway you’ve had from whatever part of the two day broadcast you’ve been able to listen to?  What would you add to the conversation if we’d been sitting having a cup of coffee and talking about the subject? 

(Happy 26th birthday to my son, Evan! I love you!  Congrats on the release of your new single today…it makes all those piano and voice lessons worth it!)

Today and tomorrow I’m partnering with Focus on the Family to bring you two 30 minute radio programs of encouragement! You can listen to part one online HERE.

If you’re dropping by from the Focus on the Family website, welcome!  So glad you’ve joined us!  We have a wonderful online community of moms (and some dads!) here on my blog and over on the Hearts at Home website.  You’ll find honest conversations here about the real stuff of life.

While you’re here you might want to:

• Subscribe to receive posts by email. 
• Hop over to the No More Perfect Moms website!
• Sign up for the FREE Hearts at Home e-Newsletter!
• Check out some past posts and conversations by clicking on a category that interests you over on the right.
• Sign the Knock It Off Mom Pledge to stop judging yourself and others.
• Register for our Hearts at Home North Central Fall Conference for moms!

Happy Monday!

This video made me smile!  I hope it makes you smile, too!  

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you wonderful moms!

(If you my posts by email, click here to watch the video.)