Mommy Guilt

Several summers ago, I served on the staff of the Proverbs 31 She Speaks Conference, a wonderful conference for women who want to step into writing and speaking.  In addition to leading some workshops, I had the privilege of serving as a speaking coach for a group of wonderful women who wanted to improve their speaking skills.

hithereIt was there that I met Kathy Helgemo. Kathy had come to the conference with a a message to share and a book on her heart.  Last month her dream came true as she and her blogging partner Melinda Means published their first book, Mothering From Scratch: Finding the Best Parenting Style for You and Your Family.  These two ladies began as bloggers over at MotheringFromScratch.com and have now stepped into the writing and speaking arena.

I love their book and I asked them if I could share an excerpt with you.  They said yes….and they offered to give away a book!  (Instructions for entering the giveaway below!)

Enjoy!

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How Do We Slice and Dice Mommy Guilt?

Let’s cut to the chase: Mommy guilt is a liar. It tells us that if only we had made all the right choices and done everything perfectly, we would’ve been able to produce all the right outcomes. It tells us that if we’ll only try harder, the internal struggle will stop. Unfortunately, it’s a false, misleading trap.

No matter how hard we’re trying, mommy guilt pushes us into thinking we could and should be trying harder. It pelts us with accusing thoughts like Why can’t I do this better? Why are everyone’s kids more well-behaved than mine? What am I doing wrong? What am I missing? If I would’ve just started earlier, my kids wouldn’t be making these choices.

Mommy guilt stems from an illusion that we’re ultimately in control. Yes, we can guide and influence our children. But from the time they’re very small, they’re making their own choices.

Melinda:

For years, I lived under a cloud of mommy condemnation. I never felt like I was enough. At the same time, I had this misguided notion that all outcomes, good or bad, were the direct result of my actions. If only I could do more for my children, be more for them, get it all right, they’d be perpetually happy and compliant. I believed that their displeasure at any given moment could somehow be traced back to my failure. I provided too much indulgence, too many second chances, and not enough responsibility.

Ironically, I didn’t see these behaviors as unhealthy or enabling. I was just trying to be a good mom and apparently failing badly. I always believed that it wasn’t my approach that was badly flawed. It was me.

The “aha!” moment, the one that put me on the path to change and acceptance of God’s grace, began with a question. Several years ago, my sister was visiting from out of town. After a couple of days, she looked at me and said simply, “Why are you still pouring Micah’s cereal?” It was as if I’d been struck by lightning. Yes, why was I pouring my very capable, able-bodied, nearly preteen boy’s cereal? Somehow that question opened my eyes to a host of other ways I was enabling my kids. Did I truly want to do what was best for my kids? Well, it wasn’t pouring their cereal until they were in college. In that moment, it was as if Jesus simply said to my heart, “I was waiting for you to realize this, child.”

Five years later, I’m still on that journey, propelled each day by His gentle conviction to make adjustments and always covered by His boundless grace.

We can’t control what has happened in the past. Yet we try to console ourselves into thinking that “this” will make up for “that.” Doesn’t that ignore that He has cast our sins “as far as the east is from the west”? (Psalm 103:12). Jesus died for freedom from mommy guilt, too.

Kathy:

I experienced traumatic postpartum depression after the births of my children. Could I have prevented it? Why didn’t I get treatment earlier? What damage did I do to my children because I was untreated and muddling through motherhood?

Those feelings of condemnation led to emotional and physical isolation, refusing to ask for real help (at least not for more than a frozen lasagna), and wallowing in overall self-pity.

When I finally sought active treatment through therapy and medication, the grip that depression had over my mothering loosened. God granted me the conviction that He entrusted these children to me. I had to get well. I couldn’t stay in some dark place in my mind because I was ashamed of how I felt about mothering. There was no overnight healing. God placed people in my life, mostly my dear husband, who challenged me to treat the real problem: the depression.

We can’t go back and change history. The “if onlys” and “I should haves” aren’t productive change agents. With God’s help, we can break out of our paralysis and take concrete steps to act on our convictions now. Here’ s how:

Ask yourself about regret. Here’s a strategy: Ask yourself, “What do I need to do now in order to look back on this time with no regrets?” You don’t want to look back ten years from now, or even one day from now, and want a redo.

Seek support. Neither of us did nearly enough of this, especially as moms of young children, when we were so susceptible to isolation and feelings of insecurity.

Start with one. This helps when we’re overwhelmed by too many areas we want to change at once. For example, maybe we want to undo some enabling behaviors with our children. We can start by asking them to pack their own lunches. The idea is to start somewhere, no matter how small.

Where’s the Sweetness in Imperfection?

If we were perfect mothers, we’d be insufferable. We’d lack compassion and be fooled into thinking we have no need for God or each other.

Our children need to observe a mother who regularly accepts God’s grace and forgiveness and offers them the same. Romans 8:28 promises us, “In all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” The mistakes we’ve made, the ways we feel we’ve fallen short, are part of our children’s journeys and can be redeemed by their heavenly Father. We’re going to fail them. Guaranteed. That’s why we have to keep pointing them toward Jesus, who never will.

What about you? How have you battled mommy guilt? How have you found your imperfections to actually be helpful in some way?  

If you’d like to enter to win a copy of Kathy and Melinda’s book, comment on this post by answering one of the above questions or sharing why you’d like a copy of this book! 

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11 Responses to Mommy Guilt

  1. rebeccawip says:

    my kids are 14 and 16 and i still beat myself up daily with mommy guilt. in fact it worsens with time. and you beat yourself up fr beating yourself up and round and round. this really touched home though it seemed, as many things ive come across, more directed to moms of younger kids.

  2. Vivian says:

    Yes, I struggle with Mommy Guilt. I would like to read this book to see how it can help and to pass it on to my daughters so they don’t have the same struggles.

  3. Melba says:

    Reading this post felt like someone had been watching me and reading my mind over the last 13+ years. I know my own mother lives with horrible guilt about the mistakes she made and I fear I may be walking in her footsteps…

  4. Rachel says:

    I have definitely felt the sting of mommy guilt and would love to have this book!

  5. Angela Robinson says:

    For me, perfectionism + anxiety with a dash of guilt , has been my mothering experience. I would love to have a new resource on this topic.

  6. Jean Oathout says:

    My friend is having a very difficult time dealing with 30 years of regrets. I think this book may very well be a life-saving read for her.

  7. Becky says:

    I would love to read this book as a reminder that when my children misbehave, it’s a poor choice on their part, not a bad mothering technique on my part. And to continue to search for helpful parenting techniques.

  8. Angel Hofmann says:

    Mommy guilt is real. I would like to have this book.

  9. Charla Lake says:

    I have a 13 an 3 year old an have been beating myself up with mommy guilt….the 3 year old is a bit more challenging an my 13 year old was not at that age, so I’ve let myself fall into the compare game thinking “what am I doing wrong” since I didn’t face these issues with my older one, when she was that age. Its hard not to fall into that trap! Sounds like a great book to learn from!

  10. Meghan says:

    My mommy guilt stems from not having “something else”. Its seems as being just a mom is no longer enough. You need to have a side business or blog or writing or speaking or in some way be using your gifts and talents to create an income and be an example for your children and peers of a work -from -home mom. I have none of that. Just simply a mom trying to pour into, love on and serve my little domestic church here at home. I am hoping that is a good enough example for my kids.

  11. Olivia Ryan says:

    Mommy guilt gets to all of us at one point or another! I would love to read more about how they suggest we let go of it and experience the freedom and joy motherhood has to offer!

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