Mark and I came from very different upbringings.
This made for very different perspectives about many aspects of family life.
It’s also set the stage for conflict.
In the early years, we tried to find common ground when one of these differences arose, but that proved to be very difficult. We were in the heat of the moment and we were both very sure of the “right” thing to do–even though our “rights” were not the same.
We had to get on the same page somehow. That’s when we stumbled upon something by accident: the best way to get on the same page was to learn together.
We signed up to take a parenting class at our church. If my memory serves me right, one of us was enthusiastic about the class and one of us reluctantly agreed. But we went…together. And we learned…together.
Taking the class together helped us have conversation about parenting issues outside of conflict. That was the key…these were proactive conversations, not reactive conversations!
Then we took a marriage seminar and read a marriage book together…again, we were learning outside of conflict.
Eventually, we signed up for a money management course at our church. Our money arguments decreased as we learned about managing our money together, discovered a common language for money decisions, and identified financial goals we wanted to work toward together.
Learning together reduced conflict, increased emotional intimacy, and gave us something to talk about besides diapers and dishes!
If you’ve never taken a class with your spouse, consider doing so in the future! It can do wonders for your marriage!
What about you? Have you ever put yourself in a place where you and your spouse were learning together? What results did you experience?
My husband and I took a financial planning class two and a half years into our marriage, just after our twins were born. It has helped us many times when it comes to spending money…we both know what our goals are and what we need to do to get there. And this weekend, we are going to a Weekend to Remember to learn together…. 🙂 about marriage. I’m really excited because I know there are areas where I can improve upon and getting that direction from people who have wisdom in that area will be so wonderful! 🙂
Good for you guys, Theresa! Mark and I have been to the Weekend to Remember conference. It was excellent!
Jill, I agree.
When we got married 29 years ago we were not able to get pre-marriage counseling. We tried but it did not happen. God blessed us anyway. Our first learning together was in a couples Sunday school class. We also were from different backgrounds. However, we loved each other and both of us decided that we needed to be on the same page. I believe we both came to the (learning) table with relatively open minds and more importantly open hearts. We learned about the Bible and about marriage, finances and other topics that gave us a great start. Also, we learned to be “students of one another” and to spend time understanding one another.
It was not until we sent our daughter to a Lutheran school (we were not Lutheran) and the Pastor connected with the school required 6 weeks of “Lutheran education” prior to enrolling her in kindergarten. This turned out to be our first counseling experience. These “Lutheran talks” gave my husband and I a springboard for more connecting. We have continued to grow as a couple in more Sunday school classes, and in small groups at church.
I would say that the “stuff” we learned in the first 7 years of the marriage was invaluable. And learning together was the way to go.
My hubby and I both attended an event called The Great Banquet (men and women attend on separate weekends but it covers the same material). It brought the greatest sense of marital harmony that we have ever had EVER. I never thought about it being a product of us learning together, although it makes perfect sense. I’ve known my hubby since 4th grade and we were taught together in school for many grades. That’s an awesome thought! Thanks for this post!
Caroline, I love the words you used: marital harmony!